


Joe Hawkins's Guide To Parenting

by Be_the_Spark



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 20:38:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15396981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Be_the_Spark/pseuds/Be_the_Spark
Summary: Before Mattie and Leo's daughter was born, Joe Hawkins gave them a small book of advice. Leo has never read it...and then his failings in life start to sink in.





	1. Dear Leo

**Author's Note:**

> in case people are wondering why I've given the baby the name Mia in two fics...that will (and should) be her name in every fic I write from now on.

_Dear Leo_

_I know pretty well I shouldn’t be anyone’s first choice for fatherly guidance. And I’m not saying I’m gonna die any time soon but looking at things the way they are…ah, hell. Face it, I’m gonna die soon. Anyways, you’re gonna need some advice to look back on, so after I get hit by a truck/asteroid/fireball/Claudia Nowak with a shovel, I hope you’ll find this and make less mistakes as a father than I did._

_Which brings me to my first lesson._

1)    Congratulations, mate! You’ve already made your first mistake. The pressure to be a perfect dad is now off, so just do your best to be a good one. Learning every mistake from here on in will make you better.

2)    As you’ve already discovered, walking away from your child and her mother is the worst thing you can do for them, and yourself when you come to your senses. Therefore, when you come around, get used to the doghouse. Wait for them outside in the rain, return with your tail between your legs. More importantly remember, since they’re the ones who let you in, to listen to them. Be their best friend when they need one. Make yourself as less of a nuisance as possible. All the while, don’t remind them you’re a dog.

3)  Be the fun one. Okay, this isn’t fair, with Laura behind bars. And I’m not saying this because she isn’t fun. But because we blokes tend to err in the most ridiculous ways, we need to redeem ourselves with the kids constantly with bad jokes and surprises like taking them to the cinema and buying them ice cream. What’s a bad joke, you ask? I’m so glad you asked. Leo, how do you get a cougar off your trail?  **I don’t know, Joe, how do you get a cougar off your trail?** You throw Justin Bieber her way and run like hell.  **What’s a Justin Beaver, Joe?** Exactly! End of lesson!

4)    Always defend her mother. There are going to be times when believe it or not, your kid’s gonna be on the outs with Mattie and not you. Shocking as that sounds, you’ll need to stick up for her. Even if you privately disagree with whatever the fuss is about, I want you to go back to the last time she let you back into her life. And the time before that. And so on. You wouldn’t have this child in your life if it weren’t for her. And the last thing your little one needs is to see Mummy and Daddy divided over her. You’re #TeamHawkins for life.

5)    Disney. Watch it. Love it. Let her know that she’ll never need a boyfriend to fight her battles for her, although if she’s anything like my daughter independence won’t come as a second thought. Be prepared to wear sparkly plastic jewelry afterwards and let her paint your nails – always ask for black polish.

6)    Chosen one, schmosen one. Your daughter gets to be what she wants. It’s your responsibility to make sure she has what she needs to get there. But you’re gonna need some heavy handed life experience to be doling out that kind of advice. So…

7)    Get a bloody job. Buy a damn house. I’d prefer it if you marry Mattie while I’m alive, but seeing as how it took you three years and a coma to realise she’s the whole package, I’m just gonna hope you guys don’t roll on my grave along the way. If she opts for domestic partnership instead and that’s what you want, breathe a sigh of relief. Otherwise, make sure you have that bloody job so you can buy that damn ring.

- _Joe_

 


	2. The One Your Baby Hates

At seven-thirty, the morning light was glinting through the dirt-streaked windows; it fractured along the cream-painted walls folding around a quilted white bed. A sizeable mass was shifting somewhere between the comforter and the sheets, a head emerging for air even while it had been drowning in ecstasy. Mattie’s dark brown curls had gotten stuck on her cheek, but Leo, head still under the blanket, merely kept his mouth around her lips. He moved his body further into hers, listening to her gratifying moans as his cue for movement. Having once been all but dismissive of physical intimacy, Leo now couldn’t explain it any more than he could deny it: that it compared to hitting the right note on a piano, or finding the root code on a complicated software. Mattie’s pleasure was the music he was aiming for, and the closer he felt to her, her soft pearly skin, her fingers catching at his scalp and neck, her desperate breaths as she pushed herself hard against him…

Leo groaned, his state of mind beginning to transcend. His mouth left Mattie’s in search for her throat, for her collarbone, for some part of her that was not yet damp with sweat. Then, as she hugged his pelvis with her thighs at an increasing rhythm and let out a small cry, his ears picked up on a faint crackle in the corner of the room. A little bit of his mind returned to reality, but the rest wanted to stay lost. Leo rocked back and forth on her, feeling the climax build up inside him. He looked down to see Mattie’s eyes tipped up at him in a matching intensity.

Then he released, his ears suddenly filling with a slight cough and cry that came from neither of them. Leo crash landed onto a pillow beside Mattie, too tired to laugh at her smiling face.

“Every time,” he muttered, wiping his slick curls away from his forehead.

“At least we got to finish just now,” she said, moving so that her forehead kissed his own. After a moment of an intimacy where neither thought nor body was required, Mattie whispered, “Okay, I’ll get up.”

Shaking his head, Leo said, “What’s the point in me having the day off if you have to do this every time?”

“I don’t mind -,” she began, but he was already pulling on his shirt and sweatpants.

“Neither do I.” And with a shy mouse of a grin, he bypassed the crackling baby monitor and left the bedroom.

The next room held a tad full of more shade in it – the sun wasn’t nearly as encompassing. Maybe it had been, Leo wouldn’t have yelped upon his first step inside. His foot sticking with pain, he looked down and peeled away the culprit: a little plastic train with an alarmingly large face on it.

“ _Oh no_ ,” came a minute voice on the other side of the room. The child stood in a crib, dressed in a ruffled pink dress, with tears shining in her eyes.

Leo held up the train in mock complaint. “Oh no? Did you throw this on purpose?”

The child blinked. “No?” she said.

Leo came closer. “Does that mean I can throw it in the garbage?”

“No.”

“You sure about that?” By way of Leo’s hand, the train sailed over to the crib and hovered in front of the bars. “ _Will you go back to the land of Nod with me?_ ” he said, trying for a funny grunt in his voice. But when he handed it to his child, all she said was, “No.” Followed by her slapping the train out of his hand.

“Ow, Mia,” Leo said, trying to look cross.

His daughter, clearly as perceptive as her namesake, saw right through it. Little Mia lifted her arms in the air and declared, “Up.”

 _Up._ The magic word. Leo rolled his eyes good-naturedly and took Mia out of the crib. She rubbed what remained of her tears on his shoulder, sneezed, and proceeded to stick her fist into her mouth. Leo had to remind himself to wait until at least lunchtime to change his clothes – he didn’t have the knack at washing clothes as quickly as Mattie.

He couldn’t even clip a flower from its stem as quickly as Mattie.

A rueful smile filled his mouth; giving Mia’s bouncy brown curls a kiss on the head, he asked, “What do you think, Mimi? Is Daddy good at anything?”

 _“Nope,”_ came Mia’s automatic response.

“Should I just go to work?” he wondered aloud. “Send Auntie Niska to come help Mummy?”

He’d meant it as a joke, as Niska wasn’t exactly the most fun sort for an almost-toddler to be around. But Mia startled him with a shriek – she arched her head backwards and began to bawl.

“No, no, I didn’t mean it -,” said Leo, panicking. He was admittedly relieved when Mattie came in – she’d thrown on one of his other shirts in a rush to see what was wrong.

“Oooohhh, someone said the N-word,” Mattie exclaimed. She held out her arms, ready to take her screaming daughter. And at the sight of her, Mia quieted almost instantly, but slammed herself into Leo’s chest.

“ _Stay_ ,” she murmured.

Stay. The word, the command, the fact that Mia didn’t want Leo to let her go, was thrilling. The implication, however? He exchanged a troubled glance with Mattie. Mia was developing much more quickly than anticipated.

Well, more than they’d anticipated. There was one person who’d been predicting it right all along.

Leo sighed. “You’ll have to call her,” he told Mattie.

Mattie frowned at him. “She’s your sister.”

“Yeah, and it’s kind of hard being the bad guy when a baby’s teething on your shirt.” Leo used a free hand to point at the child that was currently sucking his collar.

Mattie nodded, relenting. “The moment you’re free, you get to do the wash for me?”

“Of course,” he said, wondering if the advice book Joe Hawkins had given them at Mia’s christening gave anything on how to deal with relatives the child hated.


End file.
